Small Galaxies

Creepy as hell, even before he married Courtney Stodden.

“Squeeze” is the first legitimately scary episode of The X-Files, and also its first MOW (Monster-of-the-Week) episode.

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The Plot

The location credits tell us we’re in Baltimore, MD. A businessman carrying a briefcase (N.B. I refer to all men wearing suits and carrying briefcases as “businessmen”) walks back to his office, but the camera’s gaze tracking this man does not really belong to us, the viewers. A pair of yellow eyes peek out from behind the opening of a storm drain on the street. The eyes, which have a distinctly inhuman, animal quality to them, follow the man’s movements. Even before any action has occurred, the threat is palpable. You can feel the yellow-eyed creature’s hunger. Shit’s about to go down.

Once in his office building, our businessman calls his wife to let her know he’ll be working late and then steps out to get some coffee, grabbing a mug on his desk as he exits. We see the screws of a ventilation duct in his office begin to turn. The man makes his way back through the maze of desks into his own private office. As soon as he enters, the door slams immediately. We see only a brief glimpse of his dead body as the camera trails over his desk, scattered papers, pictures frams, his mug, all lightly splattered with blood. The vent begins to close and the screws tighten from the inside.

Credits!

We resume on a pleasant lunch between one Dr. Dana Scully and a rather crisp and fresh-looking young man we’ll come to know as Tom Colton (played by the usually rugged, less crisp Donal Logue). Scully and Colton, we soon realize, were classmates at Quantico and they’re spending their lunch hour trading stories about their fellow alum. Almost everything we need to know about Colton is summed up by his irritation that an undeserving classmate who “lucked into the World Trade Center bombing” has rapidly risen through the ranks in the New York City bureau. “Well, good for Marty,” Scully replies, because she’s a GQMF who doesn’t need to tear other people down. “Oh come on, Dana, the guy is a loser. Look where he is now; it’s where we should be,” Colton chides her, because he’s terrible already, five minutes into this episode.

Scully gently turns the conversation around by complimenting Colton’s recent work: Colton profiles criminals and is, according to Scully, on the “violent crimes fast-track” since he successfully helped put a serial killer away. Colton attempts to blush, almost concealing his dickheadedness beneath a gloss of false modesty. But do not fear, gentle souls, because it rises back to the surface two seconds later when he asks Scully about her current position. “Had any close encounters of the 3rd kind?” he “teases,” because it is extremely appropriate and socially gracious to mock a friend’s unfortunate job assignment after she has congratulated you on your work. Chapter 3 of Emily Post, look it up. Scully is dismayed: “Is that what everyone thinks I do?” Colton backpedals: “No, of course not. But you do work with Spooky Mulder” — he says this in the exact way your mother warned you about the social ramifications of getting a belly-button ring (your mother lives in 1998, btw) and how that would lead to an inevitable decline in your entire life and ruin your future, basically. Also: ~*What will people think?!*~

Colton’s subtext is clear: working with Mulder is doing Scully’s professional reputation no favors. Plus, what if Mulder makes Scully do all the pot? And then what if Scully doesn’t score a 1502 on her SATs and doesn’t get into Yale? Won’t someone think about Scully’s future?? Well, Scully is quick to let Colton know that “Mulder’s ideas may be out there but he is a great agent.”

And it gets better! Because now Colton is asking for a favor! His latest case involves several victims who have nothing in common, except that they were all murdered in seemingly impenetrable rooms. Oh, and their livers were all ripped out. By someone using his/her bare hands. “This looks like an X-File,” Scully says, apparently picking up on some of that “paranormal bouquet” Mulder is always smelling. “Let’s not get carried away,” Colton stops her. Because when you need someone’s expertise specifically on a matter that is out-of-the-ordinary, you should absolutely discourage them from thinking the matter is out-of-the-ordinary. GOD, HOW HAS COLTON NOT SOLVED ALL THE CASES YET?

Colton wants Scully to go over the case histories, come down to the crime scenes and provide her own analysis. When she coyly inquires about whether she should ask Mulder to come, Colton tells her if Mulder wants to “do her a favor” (ah, you mean do you a favor? Right?) he can come but it’s still Colton’s case! And then he grabs the case file back from Scully and pees all over it to prove his point. Almost. Which: why is Colton worried this case is going to be taken away from him and given to Mulder? Is that a thing that happens? (“This appears to be a violent crime but we’ve heard murmurings that this case has a paranormal bouquet, so clearly we’re going to have to turn this over to the crackpot in the basement.” — FBI bosses). Colton further promises that if solving this case helps him climb the ladder, he’ll do Scully a good turn and “maybe [she] won’t have to be ‘Mrs. Spooky’ anymore.” This. gross. motherfucker. Scully looks  ambivalent about this idea, and a little sad.

Before they meet with Colton, Scully encourages Mulder to be…a little less spooky? Because people don’t really respect his methodology or theories because…spooky? Mulder only cares if Scully thinks he’s spooky. He doesn’t come right out and say that, but he asks Scully if she thinks he’s spooky. She doesn’t get a chance to respond before Colton slimes his way into the crime scene (the private office we saw earlier) and asks Mulder if he thinks the crime is the work of “little green men,” because ‘92 was the 37th Asshole Olympics and Colton was really going for the gold. Seriously, I think we need the Bradley Cooper “Wow” gif for this nonsense.

Like, say you’re Colton and this is obviously a difficult case, because why else set up a lunch date with a former classmate (unless there was some kind of romantic subtext, which would hold with the dynamic that develops between Colton and Mulder in this ep, so maybe), whyyyy would you antagonize the people who are helping you? When you know this case could be critical to your future success? STUNNING CRIMINAL PROFILER AND UNDERSTANDER OF MINDS! Have all the criminals decided to go to jail yet because there’s no use in pursuing their lives of crime when Tom Colton is alive in the world?

Ugh. Anyway, Mulder volleys back with a lengthy explanation of how Reticulans are actually gray, not green, but that liver and onions goes for a high, high price on Reticula, so maybe they are stealing all these victims’ livers! Colton is pretty determined to take Mulder seriously because he’s a witch, burn him, etc and reiterates some version of “Mulder is crazy.” Mulder then wanders over to the ventilation duct we saw earlier in the episode and starts dusting for fingerprints, which Colton thinks is bananas mostly because Mulder is the one doing it, but also because the duct is really narrow, too narrow for any non-human to fit through. Hmm. Mulder, being Mulder, continues dusting and finds an elongated fingerprint.

Later, Mulder explains to Scully that the fingerprint he found at the scene matches fingerprints left at five other crime scenes. The only hitch is that some of these other crimes happened 30 years ago. Some happened 60 years ago. All victims had their livers extracted. Scully tries to conclude that, logically, the recent murders are the work of a copycat. Mulder reminds her that fingerprints are unique, and these are a perfect match. Scully gets a little testy about the prospect of going before the Violent Crimes section and telling them this is the work of aliens, but Mulder is like, “Chill, it’s probably not aliens. More likely some kind of immortal superhuman. And now it’s our case, hooray!” Cue Scully facepalm. Poor Scully. Mulder persuades her that they can conduct their own investigation and Colton can have his, “and never the twain shall meet.”

The next morning Scully presents her profile of the serial killer to Colton’s staff — Colton’s boss is impressed and indicates that he’d like to work with her more, if she doesn’t mind working in an area “a bit more down to earth.” Har har. Scully displays incredible composure by not smacking him in the mouth. Part of Scully’s profile suggests that since serial killers don’t always succeed in making a kill, they often return to the scene of an earlier successful crime to recapture the thrill of victory. Teams are assigned to stake out various crime scenes and Scully herself is monitoring the parking garage of the office we’ve seen earlier.

Scully hears some activity and moves stealthily toward a particular corner of the garage. And pulls a gun on…Mulder, who is carrying a huge bag of sunflower seeds, naturally. Mulder tells Scully the killer won’t return here because this crime scene no longer presents a challenge, the killer’s already beaten it. Mulder is promptly proven wrong when some creepy noises and movement emanate from a nearby air shaft. Mulder alerts Scully and they set off in pursuit. They order whoever is in the air shaft to emerge slowly…and Eugene Victor Tooms climbs out. There is no denying that this is the man — whose eyes are now a very normal brown, not yellow— we saw watching from beside the storm drain at the beginning of the episode.

The FBI apprehends him, Mulder acknowledges that Scully was right (WORTH NOTING) and Tooms is pulled in for questioning using a lie detector test. Doug Hutchison, who has creeped us out most recently by marrying a 16-year-old who looks and behaves like a randy 45-year-old, gives the blankest of blank stares as he’s questioned. Tooms passes the lie detector test with an “A+” according to the polygraph administrator…with the exception of a few questions Mulder requested: “Are you 100 years old?” and “Were you in [scene of crime] during the 1930s?” Everyone not Fox Mulder loses their shit over the mere suggestion that there is any validity to whatever theory he’s concocted, and Colton adopts a Hero Savior position w/r/t Getting Scully Out of The X-Files. Scully tells Colton she can take care of herself. Without any evidence, Colton and his coterie let Tooms go free.

But later Scully gently scolds Mulder, explaining that he was being very territorial, we assume about the case. Now Mulder does this odd thing — and I can’t quite determine if it’s a blocking issue or what — but he touches the long chain around Scully’s neck as he says, “of course I was [territorial].” While the implication may be that Mulder is actually territorial about Dana (and concerned Colton might “take her away” from him), it could also be that the chain Scully is wearing will become a relevant prop later — it’s important the audience knows it’s hers. Mulder tells her that he values her approach to their work, but that if she wants to continue working with the violent-crimes division, he won’t hold it against her. Scully suggests (quite adorably) that she’s too curious about what other evidence he has, besides his polygraph interpretation, to back up this wild theory, and she can’t quit on him before she sees what it is.

So she and Mulder look at Tooms’ fingerprints together. And Mulder, through the magic of Television and Film Computer Programs That Don’t Exist in Real Life, elongates Tooms’ fingerprint to match it with the others he’s gathered. A perfect match.

But Tooms has already struck again. Judging by the earlier sets of crimes, which all involved five murders, he still has one more to go. Scully and Mulder try to research Tooms, but there’s nothing. No birth certificate, nothing. They manage to track down the lead detective on the 1933 murders, who shows them a photograph of a man who is undoubtedly Eugene Tooms, appearing to be the same age he is now, 60 years later. Henry Beckman, who plays the detective Frank Briggs, does a really fantastic job with a small part, describing the horror of the crime scene and how, when he later heard of Nazi death camps, he thought of that scene and the evil that rolled off it. He confirms Tooms’ old address, where Mulder and Scully go next.

After examining the apartment, they find a crawlspace leading from the apartment into the center of the building. There they find a nest, constructed of newspaper and bile. (Accccckkkk.) They also find personal trophies Tooms stole from several of his victims. Mulder theorizes that Tooms is some kind of genetic mutant who can consume five livers and hibernate for thirty years, in addition to being able to contort his body to fit in extremely small spaces. As they leave, Scully feels a snag somewhere but is set to rights within a few seconds — except that Tooms, who had been hiding above them in the crawlspace, now has Scully’s necklace, the one Mulder couldn’t stop playing with. A pre-emptive trophy, with one murder left to complete.

Scully and Mulder are set to continue staking out Tooms’ apartment, waiting for him to return. They also have two of Colton’s men taking the first shift. This goes over about as well as you’d expect. Colton is furious that his men are conducting surveillance on an abandoned, condemned building. He tells her that his excitement about working with her has dissipated; after she’s been under Mulder’s influence, “I couldn’t have you far enough away.” Colton has Mulder and Scully taken off the stakeout, and is almost viciously gleeful about it, to boot. “Is this what it takes to climb the ladder, Colton?” Scully asks. “All the way to the top,” he tells her. Scully: “Then I can’t wait until you fall off and land on your ass.”

Unfortunately (or fortunately), no one manages to get in touch with Mulder to let him know the stakeout’s been called off. So he shows up at Tooms’ apartment and sees…Scully’s necklace. Realizing Tooms is targeting Scully, Mulder races to Scully’s place, where she is currently drawing a bath. A drop of (really super gross) bile lands on Scully, alerting her that Tooms is in her house. She grabs her gun and heads back for the bathroom when Tooms bursts out of the vent behind her, and grabs her foot. Son of a bitch that’s scary! Scully drops her gun, and Tooms pins her to the bathroom floor, lifting up her shirt midway so he can extract her liver. Mulder bursts in and stuns Tooms enough to get one handcuff on his wrist. Tooms rounds on Mulder but before he can do any damage, Scully grabs the free handcuff and cuffs Tooms to the bathtub.

Tooms is taken to an institution, where he begins quietly building another nest. The episode ends as he begins to eye the small space in his door where his meal is pushed through. The camera tightens on his face as he slowly begins to smile.

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Whose Girl is Scully?: Romantic Subtext in “Squeeze”
 

Introducing Colton by having him arrange lunch with Scully doesn’t necessarily give a romantic cast to their relationship (and there’s nothing to suggest they’ve ever had a romance), but there must be a reason that their first interaction is primarily social. Glen Morgan and James Wong, who wrote this episode, could’ve easily had Colton approach Scully while she was at work, or better still, had Colton call her in to the Violent Crimes unit and propose a collaboration on this case, especially when you consider that he offers — several times — to pull her out of the X-Files and into Violent Crimes. And since he proves to be so territorial, why not call a meeting on his turf? Starting the episode with a lunch date leaves the audience with the initial impression that…this might be a date-date? Sure, once Colton reveals himself to be a hopeless clod whose chief interest is furthering his career, it’s obvious that the meeting is purely friendly.

But, even before they share any scenes, there is a persistent tension between the choice Scully is going to have to make between Colton and Mulder. Colton represents a world of which Scully is no longer a part, a  career-track that she is no longer on. At first he merely offers her the opportunity to escape the X-Files if she helps him solve his case, and her ambivalence is clear. She’s gotten to know Mulder and while she often doesn’t agree with his theories, she respects his intelligence and his passion. She knows he’s not crazy or spooky.

When Mulder and Colton meet for the first time at a crime scene, Colton extends his hand first, Mulder allows for a beat and then offers his own hand, gripping Colton’s in what appears to be a very firm handshake indeed. Scully is standing by his side. After the heated argument in the interrogation room, Scully, as I mentioned above, tells Mulder she thinks he was being very territorial. She means about the case, which seems like an X-File top-to-bottom. And when Mulder replies “of course I was,” he touches her, straightening the chain around her neck, an oddly intimate gesture, suggesting he feels possessive of her, not the case.  It’s difficult to know how much of that was the director’s choice (Harry Longstreet was not a favorite with most of the actors or writers Morgan & Wong, and apparently gave bizarre directions) and how much of it was implied by the script. From a story perspective, Scully’s chain will be a valuable plot point later when Mulder discovers it in Tooms’ apartment so we, the audience, need to know it’s hers and we need to see Mulder recognizing it’s hers before he discovers it later. So it’s possibly just a shoehorned blocking direction, a way of setting up a crucial detail.

But the idea that Scully is on the verge of making a choice is never at issue. Colton’s desire to pull Scully out of the X-Files, to literally take her away from Mulder, intensifies as the episode progresses. In the interrogation room, after Mulder refuses to accept the results of the polygraph, Colton promises to help Scully find her way to a better job, to — as he put it at lunch — stop being “Mrs. Spooky.” When she refuses his help, stating that she can take care of herself, he’s frustrated. He asks her, “Dana, whose side are you on?” To which she replies, “The victims’.” The tension between them finally reaches a breaking point when she follows Mulders’ lead, eventually staking out the condemned building where Eugene Tooms still lives. Colton aims all of the anger he’d directed at Mulder directly at her. He says he was excited to work with her, but “after Mulder” he wants her far away from him. “After Mulder” is a strange way of putting it, isn’t it? Above I rephrased it as “after she’s been under Mulder’s influence,” which is what the text itself indicates. But “after Mulder” could also be rephrased to “after you’ve been with Mulder,” which carries its own sexual implications. Colton’s point is that Scully has been tainted by her association with Mulder (a good girl/agent being “corrupted” by a bad influence) and Colton no longer wants her.

But of course, Scully has already chosen Mulder; what Colton wants is immaterial.

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Wait…What?

• The FBI arrests Tooms and rather than a standard interrogation, they administer a polygraph to determine his guilt?! Nope. Sorry, no, no way. Lie detector tests are notoriously unreliable and it is totally unbelievable (more unbelievable than a semi-immortal contortionist who consumes livers and hibernates for 30 years) that any police officer or federal agent would be like “Welp, I haven’t examined the physical evidence, like the fact that your fingerprints match those found at the scene of the crime, but since you passed the polygraph I guess you’re free to go.”

• Related: “As far as I’m concerned the subject did not kill those two people.” Bold statement, lie-detector lady! And she’s the one who should most look askance at the results, since she’s had the most experience with testing and is most familiar with its failings. “Two questions where his heart rate jumped around wildly? No, he…he still probably didn’t kill those two people. I’m 73-82% certain.”

• When Mulder and Scully first arrest Tooms, Scully was initially staking out the parking garage…by herself? So, to be clear: one 5’2” woman against a super-strong vicious serial-murderer? I know no one in Violent Crimes trusts Mulder but what exactly is the harm of him being on a stakeout to provide back-up for his partner?

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Best Lines

Colton: So, Mulder, whaddaya think? This look like the work of little green men?
Mulder: Gray.
Agent Tom Colton: What?
Mulder: Gray. You said “green men.” A Reticulian’s skin tone is gray. They’re notorious for their extraction of terrestrial human livers, due to iron depletion in the Reticulum galaxy.
Agent Tom Colton: You can’t be serious.
Mulder: Do you know how much liver and onions go for on Reticulum?

Mulder: Is there anyway I can get it off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior?
[shakes hand wildly]

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Next up: “Conduit”!